Growing Pains

I’m sure we all remember growing pains. Those random aches in our joints growing up, so subtle and brief, finally resulting one day in a doctor-deemed “growth spurt.”

I wish they were only physical pains.

The aches that come with the growth of your soul, your mind, your heart – they hit so much deeper. Sometimes they’re brief, and sometimes they last for months at a time. There was a period of my life spent in depression, and now, looking back, I wonder if it was more of a powerful stage of growing pains in my heart. I came out broken and bruised, maybe not everything grew right, but I had more heart, more love, more empathy afterwards. I wonder if the things we see as so bad, so “negative,” are not sometimes just waves of growth, pushing us further upward toward the soil and the sun.

This past year has been a good one. I’ve been surrounded by the company of my dear mother, new and old friends, a new place in a new city, and our ridiculous pets. I’ve acquired a job that I’ve wanted for a long time that constantly deals with my favorite addiction: coffee. We’ve had teas, had adventures, strolled through the arboretum, taken walks. I’ve discovered so many interesting, beautiful people, I’ve gained friends and realized that I may not be as entirely hopeless in getting a date as I thought. I’ve made progress in some areas, gained knowledge, and learned more about – everything. I’ve had my prejudices challenged and diminished towards the Ever Wealthy, seen playing fields leveled and seen grace in action.

This past year has also been difficult. City life, I’ve learned, may not entirely be for me (something I would have completely disagreed with a few years ago). This job may also not be for me (something I would have certainly completely disagreed with for the past 8 years). I’ve learned that outside of community I wilt, that a job always surrounded by swarms of people and 8-minute timers sucks my soul, and that I can become so twisted from the base of who I am outside of a steady relationship with God and other people who try to have the same. I’ve remembered why I quit restaurant work and yet couldn’t bring myself to go back to assistant jobs. I feel more lost than I did a year ago, so much less sure of myself, of my life, of anything. The people that I thought would be steady strongholds undermine my confidence, say the most degrading things, cut others down with their words and laugh about it later in a show of insecurity and spite. The people I was unsure of, but looked up to, have turned out to be the most steady, kind, and sometimes misunderstood of anyone I’ve met. I’ve learned that first impressions are absolutely not everything, in fact, they’re usually nothing. And I’ve learned how good it feels to be honest, hence this post.

So, here I am, writing again for the first time in a long time, in the midst of a growth spurt.

I’m broken again, bruised again, breathing again. I’ve spent time with God, I’m figuring out life, and a spark of hope has been reignited. And I may even call up that guy and ask for another date, snide comments be blast. It’s time to live again.


These Weeks!

The past two weeks have been an up and down and up again type of roller coaster.

I’m currently sitting in the living room, snow drifting down in the tiniest of flakes outside, eating a feast that I only have one shoddy phone picture of. Julie & Julia is playing and so of course that’s what prompted me to write. (Not to negate the valiant efforts of WordPress reminders, but there’s no better inspiration than a movie that combines cooking, blogging, and the sweet plot twists of life). Homework is completely – well maybe there’s a hint of denial in there – finished and out of the way. So that’s the current scene of my running life dialogue.


I’ve gone from not knowing how I’ll be employed to an instant and joyful reunion of happy acquaintances that resulted in nothing other than a job at Starbucks. Starbucks is my addiction, during years of depression my “happy place” (thanks to the kind-hearted baristas and freebies), and the most wonderful of companies to work for. It’s funny how God answers the prayers that we sometimes feel are too petty to pray. This coming Saturday I will be “out there” – truly behind the counter, serving countless people and learning the tips and tricks of how to make someone else’s day as much as other baristas have made mine. The excitement is extravagant.

I’ve been learning some wonderful things in my walk with God as well – more of the lovely purpose of being single right now, a new appreciation for old things, and realizing that a time of immense stretching and growing is about to begin, but that He’s right there with me. It’s grand. Not that I haven’t struggled! I have! By all means I have! But that’s what makes the contrast between Him and His way and the temptations and struggles all the sharper. The song “I can see clearly now…” comes to mind. ;)

Friendships are dearer, the extent of my own selfishness is being unveiled (another reason why I’m excited to get in on the daily giving side of the counter!), and every bit of anxiety has been refuted as God’s promises are blatantly revealed. (Which also makes it easier to kick creeping up anxieties in the face).

And that is all I feel compelled to jot down so I’ll stop here!

Thanks for reading, you lovely individual you! :)


A Supremely Relaxed 20-Something